you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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