Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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