You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
