I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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