I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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