Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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