see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
