If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
