I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
