They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
