So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
