I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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