Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
