I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
