Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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