Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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