my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
