why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
