My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
