I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
