I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
