Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
