my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
