im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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