so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
