She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
