when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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