am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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