I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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