I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
