Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
