I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
