ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
