look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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