If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So squirting runs in the family.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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