he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
