also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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