I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
