Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
