smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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