I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
A bitchslap is in order.
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