I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
