I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
