Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
