i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
