I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
