My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
