I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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