dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
