so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
