They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
A bitchslap is in order.
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